Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Aloha Kalikimaka

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Matthew, What Does Santa Say?"

All day every day it's this from Mommy and Daddy: "Matthew, what does Santa say?" "Matthew, what does Santa say?" "Matthew, what does Santa say?" "Matthew, what does Santa say?" "Matthew, what does Santa say?"

My parents evidently have a terrible memory if they can never remember what Santa says. For the last time, he says, "Ho ho," and looks like this when saying it:

Monday, December 20, 2010

A Little Privacy, Please

A few weeks ago, I requested permission to utilize the toilet by pointing to it and saying, "I pee." Since then I have spent what seems like countless minutes on the pot without any real noticeable production. I have to admit that it is a little difficult to do your business with two parents eagerly anticipating and sticking their faces in close and asking, "anything yet?" Then there is the whole stage fright factor causing me to keep my external urethral orifice closed while in the presence of the paparazzi.


The potty I am using is quite comfortable. It modifies the toilet seat to accommodate smaller posteriors such as mine. There is also an adapter for boys that helps to reduce the effects of poor aim called a 'Deflector Shield' (no joke). The creators of this potty must have been Trekkies or big Star Wars fans. Anyway, I think it is time for me, Captain Matthew, to have another round of practice: Set course for relief. Tushy in place. Deflector shield up... Engage!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Return of the Red Dot

Yesterday the red dot was back, and Onyx ("Onin") and I were again on the case:


If I had to theorize to what this little red spot is, I would venture to say that it is a Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. I will call this a LASER. And this begs to ask the question, is this safe for little boys to be exposed to? Either way, it is still just an elusive, blasted red dot!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Where I Go To Get Away From It All ("I Hide")


Do you like my new hideout? I got in there myself. I was then forcefully removed after a while but I did not come out without a fight. This 'come out with a fight thing' is one of my innate characteristics that I am most proud of. I have this ability to strongly cling my hands and feet to the sides of something while adults attempt to pry me out. Remember my coming out fight on March 11, 2009, Mommy? Remember, the clinging part lasted about two hours? Remember, Mommy? I bet you do.

In case you were wondering: sometimes my videographer flips a little screen over from his video camera to display video of a very handsome looking little boy. This is why I am sometimes seen looking slightly to the right of the camera. I cannot keep my smiling eyes off that stud muffin of a "baby." Whoever he is, he is going to be a little heart breaker some day.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Letter to Santa (Year Two)

Dear Santa,

How are you this year? Good to hear. Let's cut right to the chase, shall we? I want presents and you want to bring them. Last year I feel you did an okay job in fulfilling my first Christmas List. I ended up getting those teeth, my verbal ability is coming along slowly but surely, and not only can I walk, but I can run real fast too. However, it did take quite a while to receive these things and I did not get everything I asked for. What did you forget, you ask? You forgot the high definition television! It appears your double-check list method may require a more rigorous systematic scrutiny. I mean, service these days is not so wonderful, but from you Santa? Tsk, tsk. Since I did not receive this item I did as much damage as possible to our current television. It can no longer be heard well and it cannot be controlled remotely. What else? Oh, right: Mommy is still tired but I'm still not sure how her sleeping fits into my plans so I will let that one slide and let her figure it out.

All this said, you have left plenty of room for improvement. Do not get me wrong and misunderstand the intent and seemingly rude nature of my letter by putting me on the naughty list. I am merely attempting to help you by pointing out some of the deficiencies in your operation. You serve me accordingly by delivering all of my wishes this year and we will consider that you have things back on track. Help me help you, Santa, by getting this years list correct:

1. A high definition television (do I really need to explain this item?).
2. No more teeth! (I've spent a lot of sleepless nights cursing the day I wished for these painful things).
3. Barney & Friends DVDs, Seasons 1-6 (yes, this is embarrassing and to my Daddy's dismay, but for some reason I have taken a liking to that big dumb purple dinosaur).
4. A real live train outside my front door that I can "choo-choo" with whenever I wish. And you might as well add a school bus, tractor, backhoe, snow plow, dump truck, garbage truck, and motorcycle.
5. Yogurt covered raisins (and keep 'em coming).
6. Sunglasses (if you have seen me in them you would know why).
7. To officially change the names of all colors to blue and purple (don't change the colors, just the names for them. I see that they are different colors but I prefer to refer to them as only blue or purple).
8. A horse and a jet plane (Uncle C. still has yet to come through with this. I suggest you strike him from the 'nice' list).
9. Something nice for yourself (see, I care about how you feel too).
10. Bapples! (I can't get enough of this delicious blue (see item # 7) round fruit.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation. Have a nice flight!

With Love,
Matthew

P.S. On December 24th, I will be waiting and watching. Let me just say you are not the only one who is able to get to places other people cannot.