Criss Cross, Apple Sauce

It's time to visit Cousin Payton! Get in- I'm driving. Mommy, you should sit up front with me. We don't want you spitting up in the back seat. Hold on tight. Wait, how do I start this jalopy? Onyx, do you mind working the pedals for me? Thanks.

That's right; we're off to see my new baby cousin. We've had a couple of weekends at home to refresh and I've had a wonderful routine sleep schedule in place for almost two weeks. That's certainly a record. Note to self: Change sleeping habit on Monday and without warning.

This trip is long overdue. We should have visited Cousin Payton when she was born. I could have helped and been Payton's labor coach. Hey, I've done this more recently than any of you. I'm practically an expert. I might as well use my skills before infant amnesia cancels out all my "traumatic" memories. We babies have to do some work with the whole delivery process too. Here's what I would have said to Payton:

"First, smoosh your head to one-half its size. Good. Now shrug your right shoulder. No, the other right shoulder. Now fight the muscles pushing you out for as long as you can...you want to make this interesting, trust me. Okay, a little Criss Cross, Applesauce. Cool breeze, tight squeeze, now you've got the shivers!"

I like that ‘Criss Cross, Applesauce’ song. I knew story time would come in handy. Being born is a piece of cake.

Have a great weekend!

BLASTED! Foiled Again!

My daddy has insisted it is necessary to keep me out of the kitchen. Supposedly, the kitchen is dangerous and I must be barred from the place unless confined to my highchair. Yesterday, he installed a gate to keep me out. I've had no say in this decision. I can't understand why he and Mommy can't cook while I'm at their feet or attempting to climb on them, the cabinets, stove, chairs, table, highchair, etc. The blue flame on the stove that comes on sometimes is fascinating and I need to be in the kitchen to point at it and let people know that it is, what Mommy and Daddy call, “hot.” Where are my rights? I've prepared some words for Daddy and I'd like to share them with all of you.

Daddy, if you seek peace and quiet, if you seek a place for me to learn about the small blue fire on the stove top, how the refrigerator door opens and shuts, and to explore the rich and fun noise-making contents inside the cabinets; if you seek liberalization for all in the kitchen: Come here to this gate! Daddy, open this gate! Daddy, tear down this wall!

One reason I need to be in the kitchen is so that I can make my great-grandmother, Ge, a birthday cake for her 92nd birthday.  Honestly, I would make her a cake if I could.  It would be easy.  I'd pat it, roll it, mark it with a 'G,' and put it in the oven for Ge and me.  Ninety-two candles would be really hot and awesome to look at.  Happy Birthday, Ge!  I love you very much.

...Clap Your Hands

Finally! I've learned how to clap. All I really have to do is put my hands together. If only from the beginning I realized it was this simple. It has taken months of training from Daddy to teach me this. I learn a bunch of stuff from Mommy, but never really take Daddy serious enough when he's trying to show me something. So right now, as far as teaching me tricks is concerned, it's Mommy 14, Daddy 1. But seriously, and to be honest, I think I put it all together yesterday at story time. They do a lot of clapping there. When I got home, I practiced on my own and sure enough, I was doing it. What other tricks can I learn? What trick is Daddy going to attempt to teach me now? He really poured his heart and soul into the hand-clapping thing. I hope that there’s something left in his tank. I know some of you may have heard this story from Mommy, but I want to tell it because I think it's silly. About a month ago, Mommy told me what Daddy did in his sleep the previous night. Apparently, in the middle of the night, he started grinding his teeth. This woke Mommy up because he doesn't normally do that. Then, he all of the sudden began humming, surprisingly in tune, 'If You're Happy and You Know It…' I’d say that's dedication, but I'm leaning toward the notion that Daddy needs a new song to sing all day. Daddy may not be my model employee or the typical baby caretaker, but at times, he really puts his heart into it. As his boss, I appreciate his perseverance. Perhaps I’ll extend his contract for at least a few more months.

When Mommy's Away, Matthew Will Play

Once Mommy has gone to work in the morning, the rules governing my care for the day become somewhat "relaxed." I've mentioned this before and I'm sure you can imagine: there are some things that are allowed to occur during the day by daddy and dog with their baby that would not happen under the care of a mommy. Would my mommy, Mommy, let me, a 10-month-old, eat chocolate frosting for breakfast, watch cartoons from breakfast until noon, and sort her week old mail pile? Of course not (except maybe sorting the mail pile because someone has to do it). Nevertheless, that's what happened this morning under, shall we say, less supervision.

Don't get me wrong- I don't have a problem with this. It's great when almost anything (and I mean anything) is under my realm of play: plastic bags, balloons, Mommy's hair dryer, lollipops, a sleeping dog's tail, etc. In addition, Daddy and I don't like changing diapers and having my diaper changed, respectively. Unless I "dirty" my diaper (Daddy doesn't want to have to smell me all day), I only get changed once and that's usually when Mommy's pulling in the driveway at around 5 of the clock. We also do a last minute cleanup of all supposedly dangerous paraphernalia before she comes through the door. Once Mommy is home, Daddy, Onyx, and I play it straight and innocent. Mommy will ask, "Where did he get this scratch from?" or, "Did he get that large bruise on his leg today?" One goofy smile from me and she forgets all about wanting to receive the answers to her questions.

New "toys" are waiting to be played with and I like to keep my inventive play-mind fresh. I had better get some sleep. Good-nap.

Ten Months

That's right! I'm 10 months old today. Finally, I've hit double digits. Look out 11 and 12: here I come. I'm ready for more. Did you notice what a big boy I am and how my body is changing? What you're looking at is pure, ripping muscle, baby! I've burned away all my baby fat. It's gone. Even my belly has converted- it's now flat and defined. I need the muscle so I can achieve new feats. How did I get this bodacious body? I'll tell you. I did it through a strict regimen of exercise and diet. My diet consists of a large breakfast immediately followed by a protein shake (formulated breast milk), then throughout the day a snack, lunch and a shake, a snack, a sensible but enormous dinner and a shake, and then a large shake before bed. Oh, and I get about 14 hours of sleep a day. Follow my routine and you too can change your body.

Speaking of changing, did you ever notice sometimes that when you wake up everything is different around you? For instance, about a month ago, I woke up from a nap and the whole house was decorated for Christmas. Then, last week, I woke up from another nap and Christmas was gone. Where did it go? Similarly, and just this past Saturday, I woke up from my morning nap and there was a crowd of people in my room. Not only that, but a smiling Cousin Yvette had just hopped in the crib and began crawling towards me. I have to admit that I did not expect any of this. I ended up having a great time once I got out of the crib and realized what was going on. I'd like to thank everyone for coming to see Yvette and I play. Mommy, thanks for throwing us a party and for making me a chocolate cake. The frosting was awesome. I know why most everyone came, and that was to see Yvette and me, but I'm not totally sure for what occasion. I guess we were celebrating my 10-month birthday early. Then again, who needs a special occasion to see this?

I do have another question.  What does she think she's doing in my jumper?  I guess she's already pushing me around and claiming her territory.  Oh well.

Have a good Monday!