Wanted: Daytime Care

Daytime care needed for charming, handsome toddler.  Semi-superhero, dynamic abilities a must.  All-day alertness and quick feet also required.  Must provide snacks and meals when I want with no regard to convenience.  Experience in making grilled cheese and French toast a plus.  Candidate should be funny and entertaining on demand.  Supply of other like-minded, clean, handsome children to play with a plus (please, no less than a 2:1 girl-to-boy ratio).  House cleaning not required except for an occasional snotty nose, one daily putrid smelling diaper, and one end-of-day clean up before Mommy gets here so it "looks like nothing happened."  My house, your house, or daycare setting optional, preferably which ever has the best toys and the most, least child friendly nick-knacks for me to get into.  Availability of books for throwing and rearranging, but not necessarily reading, also a plus.  Candidate must posses ability to translate "da" into all of its many possible meanings and be willing to constantly pick up thrown sippy-cups and socks from floor.  Inability to handle or tolerate bites on shoulders, pinching of neck skin, or receiving a body flailed double leg kick when removing me from changing table need not apply.  Money is no object as my parents are willing to pay more than they are actually able.  Room and care for one large, perpetually shedding dog also required.  Presence of turned on ceiling fans in every room preferred but not a must.